Verizon's Phone Support Is So Bad I Think It Gave Me The Hanta Virus

Today, supposedly, my DSL went active. Or at least Verizon called me to tell me as much. So I tried to install it.

Now, being a 'computer technician,' I think I might know a thing or two about basic modem installation. In fact, I do. I know many things about basic modem installation. And let me tell you, I can install a modem without eating it, electrocuting myself, destroying the modem, or inadvertently starting any foreign wars. Verizon, on the other hand, cannot provide service without commiting at least several of the following: mercury inhalation, paint chip ingestion, hemlock consumption, mass suicide, patricide, and regicide.

So I called up Verizon phone support. That was mistake number one.

A computer recording informed me:

"Congratulations! Your DSL service is now active!"

Really? Could have fooled me.

"To hear this message again, say repeat!"

Why in God's name would I want to hear a message repeated that I did not call to hear in the first place and, also, is wrong?

So basically I hit a bunch of numbers and got the computer to ask me these questions:

"If you are calling to find out whether or not your service is active yet, please dial in the number of the line your DSL account is on."

Smashed more numbers into the keypad.

"If you are calling for service and support, please say yes."

"YES!"

"Please tell me the type of operating software you are running."

"O. S. 10."

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Could you please repeat it?"

I sigh.

"Macintosh."

"Thank you. You will be connected to a support technician as soon as possible. Thank you for choosing Verizon!"

I listen to hold music, which, reassuringly enough, has at least 2 seconds of total and utter static for every 3 seconds of music. Great.

"Hello and thank you for calling Verizon tech support my name is Achmed."

Achmed asks me a few questions about account information, which I gladly provide.

"I understand you are calling to find out the status of your DSL account activiation for your Windows 95 computer?"

My jaw drops as this stands completely and utterly counter to every single piece of information I have provided to the computer help system. Seriously. I guess that is the problem with calling up one computer to have it fix your own computer when it is your computer that is broken in the first place and their computer was programmed by alcoholic macaque monkeys chained to computer terminals after having been fed tremendous amounts of crystal meth.

Achmed eventually transfers me to Habib, a macintosh repair specialist. After having me try all sorts of things I would have never, ever thought of myself, such as plugging in the modem, jiggling the cord, jiggling a different cord, trying a different wire, trying a different jack, orienting the modem six degrees East of true North and making a sacrifice of silicon and goat's blood to Frustrati, the God of Tech Support, he decided that they would check it out at central office and get back to me in 48 hours. It is Friday. So 48 hours means by Wednesday.

Great.

I am really looking forward to calling them to fix my cel phone. The antenna broke off, you see, but it is okay, because I had insurance for such an ocassion. What I didn't know, however, is that the insurance doesn't mean a damned thing and not only will they not repair it at my local Verizon store, but what the insurance entitled me to is paying a small $50 replacement fee on a $110 phone, which I will then have to pay an activation fee for and a further fee to have the numbers transferred over from my old phone to my new one.

I love Verizon.