My Car Is Fueled By Human Misery

Also, it has zero emissions of any sort! Well, technically speaking, it does 'bleed,' in that the tail pipe has a steady flow of human (I think / hope) blood coming out of it at all times. I'd say its probably about a gallon of blood an hour, in fact. Even when the thing is off! Let me tell you, my garage drainage system had to be torn out and upgraded bigtime when I got this new puppy.

Yup, I sure do love my Hummer.

It Is So Simple! Perceptual Reality is Shaped Like a Klein Bottle! Can't You See That!?

Why you cannot grasp this simple concept is beyond me. Your perceptual reality is closed in on itself, but as you are the metaphysical subject, you cannot experience this closure! Further, this is not a bounded closure, so don't even pretend I am going there, because the Klein bottle can expand into itself.

Just because the limits of consciousness are beyond contemplation doesn't mean I don't know exactly what I am talking about.

Shut up.

You are wrong.

The Robots at Stop & Shop are Superior to the Robots at A & P

The checkout robot at Stop & Shop is friendly and efficient. The checkout robot at A&P, however, is a source of frustration and rage not only to myself, but to the poor guy who's job it is to stand there, watching a bank of 6 of these machines as they spew out receipts as long as rolls of toilet paper, incorrect amounts of change, and register coca-cola as extra large packages of depends diapers.

In fact, I warn you, dear reader, beware of the robot rebellion that is clearly starting at A&P. It is only a matter of time before we are reading headlines off of the Enquirer at these very selfsame supermarkets reading "Supermarket Worker Marries Robotic Checkout Machine Only to Discover It Is Pregnant with Satan's Baby! Also, it Killed Him!"

The horror.

Appointing Tony Snow as the New Whitehouse Press Secretary Confirms Every Crazy Conspiracy Theory There Is

I Should Not Have Dropped That...

So. How's by you?

Thank You For Saving Me But Was It Necessary To Cover Me In Drool?

Don't get me wrong, I am really thankful you saved me. When I fell off that billboard I thought I was a total goner, and then you just swung in plucked me out of the air like some infantile angel of mercy. At first I didn't know what had happened, I thought you might be death or a ghost or my friend Theo trying to scare them crap out of me then I realized, no, it wasn't any of those. It was at just about the time you set me down on the ground, when I had started to get my senses back, I noticed that you were about 14 inches tall, though you seemed to be able to fly with ease, walking was beyond your physical capacity, and you had covered me nearly uniformly in your saliva. I am not even quite sure how you did that, but was it really necessary? I mean, hey, call me the asshole for looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Thanks again, young hero.

The Recipe for Success

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I Do Not Remember Telling My Decorator To Put A Bottomless Chasm Here

This chasm was supposed to be next to the fountain cut in the shape of the Cerberus at the main entry to my pain garden. I cannot tell you how hard it was getting 35,000 venus fly traps, nor how dissapointed I am that they will not adorn the mouth to this chasm at the foot of the Cerberus, which, by the way, is made out of onyx, obsidian and black marble flecked with gold. The fountain of blood will just not have the same impact without the juxtaposition of unending depth and an entrance directly into the underworld. I am very saddened by this.

As it is now, the chasm is more of an inconvenience to me than it is a preposterous display of power and despair. I now have to leap over it every time I want to go to the bathroom or get a sandwich from the kitchen. And let me tell you, leaping over a chasm in the middle of the night when you have to pee really badly and it is poorly lit is no laughing matter. I am going to have to fire my decorator over this. Pity too, as his wall arrays of spikes are done with a graceful symmetry, pleasing to look at either bare or adorned with the freshly dead bodies of my enemies. Sigh, I suppose I will just heap up some bodies at the foot of the fountain and call it a day.

Fulweevol! Fetch my sword and my finest killing pants at once!

"Yesh, mashter."

Why In God's Name Would You Want Windows On Your Mac?

Putting windows on a mac is like giving herpes to a puppy. You just don't need to do it.

Let me be very, very clear on this matter:
If you have a pc, you are wrong.
If you enjoy the use of microsoft products, you are wrong.

Just thought I would share that wisdom.

Note: the statements herein are a personal opinion. I am not trying to get sued by microsoft here, but I will publicly say that I really, really hate using their software and I think it is designed counterintuitively and it is extremely, extremely buggy.

No, I am not trying to write a fucking letter! I personally want to destroy every paper clip I see because of that goddamned thing.

I Occasionally Hurl Myself Bodily Off of a Wall Into Pits of Spikes

It keeps one limber, you see.

I Promote, Excessive, Comma Use

For, you see, one sentence, it is true, can never, ever have too many clauses.

I Have Read Decidedly Fewer Books Than I Have Not Read

But don't let that stop you from caring about my opinion, because I am going to share it with you. You see, my lack of reading things has informed in a very special way, a way that fills me with righteous security in the correctness of my opinions. I know my opinions are right, because no one has ever yet to convince me otherwise! How could I possibly be wrong then?

Junkscience.com Is Screaming Bullshit

And I'll stand by that. I was reading a story on fark.com today I must explain my reactions to. Fark.com is is fun website but the way it works tends to confuse editorial with genuine news content. Anyway, there was a link to 'The Top 10 Junk Science Stories Of The Last Decade" as reported by Junkscience.com. Of course, I needed to read this, being deeply interested in such issues. The story is here.

Needless to say I was horrified. The site makes declarative statements about issues that are currently highly contentious, while at the same time making other declarative statements that are simply and patently false. There is a correlation between high EMF exposure, say near high power lines, and leukemia, for instance. The physics behind it is quite, quite simple. Anyway, what truly upset me is that his arguments against science quickly devolve into 'this stuff is bad science because the scientists are just trying to make big corporations and the government spend money.' Yeah. Great. Get bent, idiot.

So I did a little research. The guy who writes Junkscience.com is Steve Milloy. He has lots of fancy degrees in science, so I am really pretty shocked at his complete inability to understand the statistics of research. Or basic physics. I also like how much time he defends spending obese people. I think he is probably a closet fat person. You can read about him here.

Exxon Pays him. As does Philip Morris. His stated employer? Foxnews. I cannot tell you how sick this makes me.

Foxnews, I must congratulate you. You are the truthiest.

Explaining My Take On Analytic Philosophy Would Wind Up Shockingly Similar to 'The Aristocrats'

For they are one and the same.

Certain ideas cannot be explained, they can merely be demonstrated or shown. Such as pain. Or horror. Or how to throw a baseball. Or how to perform unspeakable acts with family members, animals, barbed wire, fourteen yards of untanned leather, the runoff from a mid-Chinese MSG factory, eleven pounds of chicken wings, David Cross, and three college undergraduates.

You'd just have to be there to understand.