Who do celebrities love the most? Me. by Satan

I recently discovered this article on CNN.com.

Be assured, Drew Pinsky and S. Mark Young of the University of Southern California have a special place reserved by my left side. Oh, no, I am not mad at them. You see, they are, in fact, demons sent to do my bidding on Earth. I want the average mortal to be unaware of my majority ownership of the 5 major Hollywood studios (broadcast and reproduction rights for their entire catalogues included). Humans must not realize that every time they laugh at Rob Schneider, I have a 3% commission on the laugh transaction, resulting in a partial transfer of the ownership of their soul to one of the many banks I own (in fact, I own all of them).

If one were to crunch the numbers, laughing about 200 times at Rob Schneider gives me majority ownership of your soul. This is, of course, assuming that my leveraged buyout of your interest in pornography doesn't fall through. That reminds me, I still have to talk to Larry Flynt about that. He negotiates a damn good contract. I'd say his lawyer must work for me, but, actually, most lawyers actually work against me; they do want my job, after all.

Anyway, the long short of it is that I own you. I own most of Hollywood, too.

Except for that damn Will Arnett... He is just too good. Too damn good.