Recent reseach by a team of medical researchers at Rockefeller University has uncovered a startling truth about crop circles.
"Well, at first, I started with a thorough examination of the popular explanations for crop circles," Said Dr. Chandresekhar, leader of the Rockefeller University based research team. "We investigated the possibility of alien landings, ghosts, Jesus, Satanist Cults, ball lightning, and even leprechauns."
Sighing deeply, reaching into his pocket, removing a flask, and drinking from it heavily, Dr. Chandresekhar continued, "That is all such a load of bullshit I cannot even tell you. I mean... Jesus. You know how much funding I lost by going to the [National Academy of Science] and asking them for leprechaun research grants? Especially when the reality of the situation is that some drunk farmer's kid with nothing better to do and access to a few pieces of plywood and some length of twine can easily make a crop circle in a matter of hours. Fuck. I wish someone had told me that seven years ago, could have saved me some real embarassment, not to mention three divorces." Drying a tear from his eye, Dr. Chandresekhar then related how he came to the conclusion of his study.
"Well, after being knee deep in this bullshit, and, let me just say, I did my fucking research, I read every book out there on the subject, every internet site, and, after having been the laughing stock among my colleagues, and, it turns out, most literate people, for the course of the last seven years, I decided to study the people who actually publish these crazy theories."
"Results have shown, conclusively, that every single person who believes in an explanation other than drunk farmer's kids as the makers of crop circles suffers from what is technically known as Fucking Moron Syndrome. Look at these people!" Dr. Chandresekhar then produced several photos [below]. "Good God man, it is amazing these people manage to feed themselves much less create cohesive internet cults."
[Note: in a related study, researchers at Northwestern Medical School have determined that, worldwide, roughly 200 people who believe in crop circles die of starvation each year, or, in what are termed 'Darwin Deaths,' including ingestion of acid, bases, deaths resulting from improperly stored explosives, guns, homemade explosives, ingestion of glass, etc.]
"These idiots barely understand what 'causation is,' or what constitutes an explanation, in and of itself," Dr. Chandresekhar said as he thumped the desk for emphasis. "Let me be really clear: I am talking about the understanding difference between what actually constitutes a meaningful sentence and a string random syllables, and that difference is just beyond their comprehension."
"Though I state in my paper, I Hate You All, You Fucking Morons I think there is the possibility that sufferers of Fucking Moron Syndrom are not even conscious, and that any appearance of genuine interaction with the world outside them is complete coincidence. I know that is unlikely, but, I just cannot for the life of me come up with a better explanation for people covering their heads in tin foil because they think their microwaves are going to abduct their children in the night."
Dr. Chandresekhar paused, drank from his flask again, and while leaning back in his desk chair, knocked over a large stack of papers. It was at this point that this reporter realized that, under his lab jacket, Dr. Chandresekhar was completely nude. He then leaned uncomfortably close, imparting the following wisdom, carried on breath thick with whiskey. "Forget trying to explain modus ponens, modus tollens, and especially what it means 'to beg the question,' to folks like this: these idiots think the Moon is held in place by Jesus."
Several minutes passed as Dr. Chandresekhar rested his forehead on the table, apparently trying to hide his gentle sobbing. Sitting back up, removing his glasses, and rubbing his eyes, he revealed the most shocking conclusion of his study.
"Sadly, I must report, over 97% of the human population suffers from Fucking Moron Syndrome in one regard or another, being completely unable to differentiate between an idea supported by evidence and a completely batshit crazy lack-of-an-explanation-for-preconceived-superstitious-nonsense. Sadly, this means that even you are probably suffering from it right now."
Dr. Chandresekhar stared at me blankly for a few moments.
"For all I know, you are probably illiterate."
After pausing for several minutes, Dr. Chandresekhar stated simply, "I've wasted my life."
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