Lessons in Social Interaction #2: Always Start With No

This one is fairly straightforward; the goal is to create so much fear in your work atmosphere and develop so much insecurity in your coworkers that they are constantly seeking your approval. Approval which you dangle over them like the sword of Damocles, dropping it on them with such ferocity and might that the only thing worse than your constant baseline state of dissaproval is, actually, getting noticed. This will result in an atmosphere in which the only way you have to interact with your coworkers is via e-mail, voicemail, or, perhaps, as they cower in the corner as you walk by, or, just as likely, are so startled by your appearance they scream / wet themselves / spill coffee directly on their genitals / run facefirst into the nearest cubicle wall in an attempt to avoid you. Here's how it works:

Step 1: Say 'No' As Often As Possible
Say no repeatedly when walking to and from the water cooler, when getting water from the water cooler, when picking up printouts from the printer, checking e-mail, etc. Modulate tone and emphasis. This will keep things fresh. However, unless speaking to an individual directly, it is best to keep these general, atmospheric, 'no's to a relatively low volume. That way, when someone actually tries to interact with you, you can hit them with a big one:

Step 2: Whenever Someone Tries to Interact With You, Immediately Interrupt With a Jarring "NO!"
After screaming / shouting / projecting / spraying / belching / shrieking / belting a good, resounding "NO!" right into the face of the person trying to interact with you, remain in posture, just having delivered the "NO!", and then wait, in silence. The object is to actually knock the other person off their feet with your initial interruption, but getting them off guard and causing a physical cringe reaction, hopefully triggering a tic (which most of your coworkers should have developed by now), is fine as well. After the recovery from their initial shock, they will continue to deliver whatever news it may be to you, at which point your posture can relax slightly. While listening, shake your head and mutter "no, no, no."

Step 3 (optional / rare): If the Idea / News Being Presented to You Is Worthwhile, Scream "YES!" With All Your Might
Follow with "THAT'S BRILLIANT! AMAZING! ASTOUNDING!" Etc. Grip the other person by the shoulders, shake them vigorously, kiss them on the cheek, etc. Overwhelm them. At the same time, however, repeat the idea they have just explained to you back to them, emphasizing nothing but how good a particular aspect of the idea will make you appear. Then, run off immediately to either get done what needs to get done, or, even better, follow that person around for the rest of the day, continuing your shouting pep talk, until the task is completed.


I assure you, things around you will get done with a minimum effort on your part, and, once again, no genuine meaningful interaction between you and anyone you are forced to spend time with.

YES!