I don't know if I even need to try to make a joke of him, he does a good enough job of it himself. I'll quote directly from his own blog:
How weird would it be if I stopped in the middle of doing my show to announce that I wasn't gay? Yet that's exactly what Oprah Winfrey does in the August issue of her magazine.
As we reported yesterday, Oprah, in a long article, made a point of explaining that her extremely close, 30-year friendship with Gayle King, her frequent sidekick and the editor of her magazine was not sexual in nature. And, Ms. King added, "the truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there's nothing wrong with being gay."
What the fuck is he talking about? Is he trying to prove that he is actually literate by telling us that he actually read Oprah's magazine? And how the hell can you 'report' what someone else said in a magazine? I do not 'report' to my friends what the Times published. Simply telling someone else something they read in a magazine barely constitutes a conversation, much less reporting.
Here is the formula for Geraldo, as I imagine he might write in his own words:
1. Find an issue that people find emotional. Preferably one that requires wearing a bulletproof vest, because I look really awesome in a bulletproof vest. Also, I want a gun, so I can shoot terrorists if I see them. (Note to ed: Can I just wear around a bulletproof vest all the time? It makes me look badass. Also, it makes me look really good if I can save some kids. Can we make sure to have some injured kids in the shot so I can carry them to safety? If necessary, find healthy kids and shoot them.)
2. Talk really loudly about issue at hand, but make sure not to take either side. Use lots of superlative words like 'unimaginable' 'unbelievable' 'outrageous' and make constant appeals to morality. If other people can get a word in edgewise, it means that I am not doing all the reporting! (Note to ed: what does polyunsaturated mean? My nutritionist Gunter told me something about that, and I can't quite remember. Can we get a camera crew to McDonalds for an expose? Make sure that my bulletproof vest arrives before me; those people at McDonalds look pretty shifty. Also, get a shot of me snatching a hamburger away from a child and then giving him a piece of broccoli, and prompt him to say "Thanks for saving me from high cholesterol, Geraldo!" Preferably, this child should be black.)
3. Make a report on how good my reporting was to bookend the report. (Note to ed: Is there an Emmy category for best news documentary about news documentaries? Because I have all this great footage from Beirut of me eating at this one cafe; its really great behind-the-scenes stuff, and I can show off the new bulletproof vest. It was the blue one with the red trim and the embroidered G on the back; I think it was tailored by the same guy that made Curtis Jackson a.k.a. 50 Cent's vest. Can we figure out how to run that footage? Also, make sure to cut the part where I spilled coffee on my nice pants and accidentally exclaim "Oh fizzlenuts!" And have those pants come back from the cleaners yet? You know how hard it is for me to find khakis that fit, especially after I've spent so much time hammering my quads.)
4. Order more mustache polish.
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