Verizon's Phone Support Is So Bad I Think It Gave Me The Hanta Virus

Today, supposedly, my DSL went active. Or at least Verizon called me to tell me as much. So I tried to install it.

Now, being a 'computer technician,' I think I might know a thing or two about basic modem installation. In fact, I do. I know many things about basic modem installation. And let me tell you, I can install a modem without eating it, electrocuting myself, destroying the modem, or inadvertently starting any foreign wars. Verizon, on the other hand, cannot provide service without commiting at least several of the following: mercury inhalation, paint chip ingestion, hemlock consumption, mass suicide, patricide, and regicide.

So I called up Verizon phone support. That was mistake number one.

A computer recording informed me:

"Congratulations! Your DSL service is now active!"

Really? Could have fooled me.

"To hear this message again, say repeat!"

Why in God's name would I want to hear a message repeated that I did not call to hear in the first place and, also, is wrong?

So basically I hit a bunch of numbers and got the computer to ask me these questions:

"If you are calling to find out whether or not your service is active yet, please dial in the number of the line your DSL account is on."

Smashed more numbers into the keypad.

"If you are calling for service and support, please say yes."

"YES!"

"Please tell me the type of operating software you are running."

"O. S. 10."

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Could you please repeat it?"

I sigh.

"Macintosh."

"Thank you. You will be connected to a support technician as soon as possible. Thank you for choosing Verizon!"

I listen to hold music, which, reassuringly enough, has at least 2 seconds of total and utter static for every 3 seconds of music. Great.

"Hello and thank you for calling Verizon tech support my name is Achmed."

Achmed asks me a few questions about account information, which I gladly provide.

"I understand you are calling to find out the status of your DSL account activiation for your Windows 95 computer?"

My jaw drops as this stands completely and utterly counter to every single piece of information I have provided to the computer help system. Seriously. I guess that is the problem with calling up one computer to have it fix your own computer when it is your computer that is broken in the first place and their computer was programmed by alcoholic macaque monkeys chained to computer terminals after having been fed tremendous amounts of crystal meth.

Achmed eventually transfers me to Habib, a macintosh repair specialist. After having me try all sorts of things I would have never, ever thought of myself, such as plugging in the modem, jiggling the cord, jiggling a different cord, trying a different wire, trying a different jack, orienting the modem six degrees East of true North and making a sacrifice of silicon and goat's blood to Frustrati, the God of Tech Support, he decided that they would check it out at central office and get back to me in 48 hours. It is Friday. So 48 hours means by Wednesday.

Great.

I am really looking forward to calling them to fix my cel phone. The antenna broke off, you see, but it is okay, because I had insurance for such an ocassion. What I didn't know, however, is that the insurance doesn't mean a damned thing and not only will they not repair it at my local Verizon store, but what the insurance entitled me to is paying a small $50 replacement fee on a $110 phone, which I will then have to pay an activation fee for and a further fee to have the numbers transferred over from my old phone to my new one.

I love Verizon.

I Think That My Terrace Is Flooding

It is currently pouring rain outside, to the point i can barely see the buildings standing four blocks outside my window. I think I should go check on this situation.

Scratch the title of this post and replace 'think' with 'am deadly certain of.' I sure feel bad for the poor bastards whose livingroom ceiling is directly beneath my terrace.

However, I will only continue feeling bad for them for as long as they continue not blaming me for the inevitable flooding of their apartment. They will blame me, however, even though, clearly, I did not build the terrace or install poor drainage, nor did I cause it to rain. When they blame me I will become angry and call them communists.

And so the relationship with the neighbors continues.

Commercials Before Movies Want Me To Buy A Lot Of Cel Phones / Threaten Me With Death For Using Them In A Theater

At the last movie I saw I counted no less than 3 ads before the movie for phones, and as many warnings about ejection from my seat via a comical mechanical process, being a morally reprehensible sock puppet or a big fatso jerk for using my phone in a theather. Something of a mixed message, I'd say.

Further, the people actually in the cel phone commercials made me want to choke on my popcorn. If people actually sat at dinner tables, listening to a tinny rendition of Kelly Clarkson spewing forth from a cel phone, waving their arms about and dancing in their seats, while I sat at the next table trying to eat my dinner, well, let's just say this world would be that much more horrible a place.

Clean Coal Is A Communist Plot

The idea of Clean Coal technology is so preposterous as to be beyond contempt. Who, in the name of all that is holy and merciful, is buying this bullshit? Have you ever touched coal or encountered it in any way? It is made of soot! It, itself, is dirt!

I am sponsoring a contest Kritof style. Except, instead of sending me an essay in hopes that you can come along on an African Adventure / Aspiring Journalist's Dream / Liberal Guilt Inducing Story About Unimaginable Suffering, I am asking people to find me something dirtier than coal, and, instead of the trip, I'll give you a coupon to KFC. (I will not give you a coupon to KFC.) I'm accepting submissions now. The following substances are banned from the contest:

Nuclear and biological waste.
Bodily excretions.
AOL Installation Discs.

So, what is dirtier than coal?

I Have An Idea For A TV Show Starring Adam Corolla / David Spade / Many, Many Others

The shows format is simple. It would be a gameshow, maybe something along the lines of "Watch Us Torture and Humiliate _____!" Recently I saw a poster for Adam Corolla's new show, and it was something like "Adam Corolla has a new job!" I didn't read beyond that, because I could only think of the jobs that he actually does have: lowering the IQs of his viewers, getting terrible ratings, making horrible, horrible jokes, torturing his audience and guests, and being smug and out of touch. Therefore, I propose that his new job would be getting tortured publicly for 30 minutes a week. You know, something along the lines of "Driven to Distraction" or whatever that Comedy Central gameshow is, but without any rewards. Just "And Now watch ____ eat three pounds of raw sausage that has been left in the sun for four days!" "And now watch us tie ____ to a spinning wheel and throw knives perilously close to him while he is dressed up like a clown while he is under the impression we hired him to entertain at a Bar Mitzvah!" "And now watch ____ sit in a pool of 32 Degree water while we throw sea sponges at him and periodically fire frozen chickens at high velocity at his abdomen!" "And now watch ____ as he tries to figure out how to deal with this Pimp we told ____ scratched his car!" "And now watch as ____ is tied to the business end of a trebuchet and alternatively dipped in chicken grease and a pool full of ants and then a pool full of aardvarks!" I'd tune in to watch that. You know, Jackass style but with unwilling participants that deserve it because of the crap they have spewed into our televisions for so long.


**NOTE: For all the lawyers, agents and representatives of the aforementioned, this is meant in good humor. I do not wish to see harm come to any of these men. Nor do I wish in any way to incite violence in any capacity. Merely spout my own brand of useless and not funny humor, which I doubt more than 4 people in the world read anyway. The Man Show was funny. Seriously. I also liked that one Episode of Corolla's show when David Cross was on, but maybe not for reasons that Corolla himself would have approved. Also, Spade was awesome with Chris Farley, but his show on Comedy Central is condescending and not funny.

The Prince In 'The Princess Bride' Is A Big Whimp

Seriously. All Cary Elwes had to do to overpower him, as he himself lay incapacitated and motionless on a bed, was threaten him with unimaginable pain and a life of suffering. The Prince literally had a sword at his throat after he himself had personally tortured Cary Elwes extensively only moments prior. Such men are not fit to rule kingdoms. I mean, if every time someone threatened me with a lifetime of suffering I ran to the mountains, by now I would be a hermit living naked in the bottom of a mudpit somewhere in rural Nepal, surviving off of dirt and rainwater.

Like the Teddy Bear said, "Talk softly and carry a big stick." Only I've amended that to, "Constantly scream at the top of your lungs while walking in front of a hoard of zealot followers pledged to die at your command while personally wielding the control buttons to no less than three doomsday devices at any time." I think that one works just a little bit better than Teddy's.

Warning! If You Are An Idiot, This Might Kill You!

Everything has a warning label on it these days. "Do not put plastic bag over head and asphyxiate yourself." "Do not pour hot coffee directly on genitals." "Do not drive vehicle at high velocity into stationary objects or moving objects." "Meant for external use only." "Meant for internal use only." "Meant to be used only on the third full moon of years ending in numbers divisible by 3 or are prime numbered, between the hours of 4 and 5 AM, or else you might inadvertently start the Apocalypse."

What I want to know is what things can't kill you. Perhaps single atoms? The concept 'puppies'? I mean, give me an object of any substantive mass and I am pretty sure I will be able to figure out a way to kill you with it. For instance: a single glass of water. If it is, indeed, served in a glass, I can smash it on your head, or feed you the glass. If it is the water itself I can freeze it and fire it at you at high velocity.

So I have a new warning label for water: "Warning, water not meant to be frozen and used as blunt force trauma weapon, nor is one to consume more than 1/6 their body weight in water at one sitting, nor is one to submerge head in water for more than 90 seconds, nor is one to introduce substances into water prior to consumption that are poisonous. Also, water flouridation is a Communist plot."

I Want One of These "Lethal Cocktails of Chemicals" The History Channel Talks About All The Time

Man, that shit is so strong it can actually kill you? Damn, that bartender must have learned his shit in 'Nam, because I don't know anything you can get stateside that will actually kill you! And trust me, I been all 'round this country lookin' for the meanest booze there is out there. Straight Moonshine is just about the only thing that does it for me, and it might be killing me slowly, but that ain't no fun. Sure, I know my liver is failing, and my nose is as red as the setting sun, craggy as a mountain range and gnarled as an oak root, but that took years. I am interested in this shit that can actually kill you in one go! That's a man's man's drink!

For Some Reason, Banks Think Giving Me Credit Is A Good Idea

I don't know if I can pass this up. For, you see, being broke, giving me credit and allowing me to actually possess negative money is definitely the best thing to do. Let's read the fine print here.. ah there we go, 0% interest for the first year, then it goes up to 13.75% interest. I don't know if you guys know anything about interest rates, but that is the interest rate equivalent of having a bank give you a proctological examination every time you want to buy a pack of gum. Oh, here is another great one, if I go into overdraft (this is credit, I thought the whole idea was to spend money you dont' have?) Interest rates shoot up to over 31%. Awesome.

Let's turn this around. I think I should get every credit card I can, and use the sum total of my undeserved credit to buy a Ferrari then crash it directly into a bank. After this I will run to Hamburg to investigate whether or not they really did invent the Hamburger. I suspect they did not.

These credit card ads are so transparent that I really pity the fools who fall for them.

That's right John Q. Student. You deserve free money! You are a great and awesome person, and we would just love to give you a free lunch! Also, this shiny pen! And you can choose a credit card in a variety of colors! Green is hip, right?

Yo, dawg, homey G, yoyoyo John Q. Student. We's here to tells y'all about da roughest, toughest, realest bank there is, yo. It's called Some Old Whitey's Bank, and we is here to reprasseeeent! Yo, our credit cards come all illed out and blinged up! This one looks like it is made of diamonds yo! Its iced out! With an introductory rate of only 13.75% APR! That's the ill shit, son!

Well, I think they sold me.

My Elixyr Will Cure All Your Ails!

That's right folks, step right up and behold my fantastic fantabulous futuristic Elixyr! It will cure what ails you? Gout, no problem, three swigs of my special patented formula Elixyr will straighten out all your problems! Don't bother to change your diet! Heart attacks have been stopped by my Elixyr! Rub it on your head to re-grow hair! Forget viagra, simply soak yourself in the Elixyr for a four hour priapism! And ladies, don't be shy, it will increase your bust size and fertility! Rub it on your face to prevent the unsightly female mustache! Children, two bottles of Elixyr a day will make you grow up to be strong and masculine! Or gentle and ladylike! It does everything! That is right, positively everything! It cures avian flu and has also been known to remove unsightly bathtub ring! Scientists say that my Elixyr is the most amazing thing ever!

That's right! Scientists! They said it!

Oh come on, you are doubting me? Humanity has a long tradition of taking stupid bullshit because they are gullible idiots! Seriously! Soda water used to be marketed as a cure-all! People still inhale radon because they think it will cure arthritis! You people are idiots, so you should by my Elixyr too!

Hey wait, where is everyone going!?

The American Tactic

Recently, a friend of mine and I, while playing Civilization III (dare you mock me? I will destroy you) have perfected the American Tactic. It goes something like this.

Step One: Identify foreign nation in precarious security situation, rife with longstanding cultural tensions. It is best if they already hate you.
Step Two: Invade.
Step Three: Systematically destroy all infrastructure and economy.
Step Four: Success.

We already have applied it great in Iraq. And in Vietnam. Also, Korea. Also, Panama. Only problem is that, you know, instead of being able to steal the Warrior Code or Pottery, we just killed a lot of people.

I Have Just Eaten A Lightbulb

It was delicious.

War is the Answer!

So what is the question? Well, any question, really.

"How do you feel today?"
*Invades Paraguay*
"What did you think of the new Michael Biehl movie?"
*Lays waste to British Columbia*
"Should we go to war with Afghanistan?"
*Goes to war with Iraq*

Well, to be more specific, war isn't REALLY the answer, it just is. Deal with it, Hippie.

Whiskey Is Objectively the Best Drink There Is, But Because I Personally Assert It

My esteemed colleaugue / bitter enemy Theo has recently written up his 39 Theses On Liquor, and though I agree with his conclusions, I will still assert that he is wrong and I am right because, let us face it, that is just the way things go.

Gin has a long history before the Prohibition, but Theo is correct in asserting that its entire point is to mask the flavor of poor distilling processes. Granted, fine liquors such as Bombay Saphire and Tanqueray have gone a long way in bettering this process, but I argue that these are not true to the spirit of Gin, which is to curdle skin and turn stomachs. Gin is for those with something to prove.

Tequila is a fine liquor as well, but, again, its roots are in the mom and pop distilleries, and the main production line tequilas that are highly refined and we so revel in are, for the same reasons as Gin, not true to the spirit of Tequila.

In regard to Sambuca, Manischevitz, Grappa, and similiar Liquors... just.. damn. Damn. Are you freaking kidding me? I wish that these didn't even exist on the same planet as me, and would see no problem in waging international wars with the sole goal of the enaction of a Damnatio Memoriae on such 'spirits,' though to even call them spirits is to demean the very word.

Wine is too expensive. Period.

However, one cannot forget how good beer is. Beer is just great.

I love beer. And so do you. And if you say that you don't love beer, you are wrong. Categorically.

I Need A Collection Of 3,000,000 Severed Left Hands

It dawned on me, recently, as I was wandering through my brand new quarter million sqft. musuem complex, it lacked something powerful. Something distinct.

Sure, the Efreet trapped in the jar full of Moon-dust and Elf blood is impressive, but it lacks impact. Then there is my collection of temples I have had imported from around the world and reassembled upside down in the massive aviary garden complex. Imposing, I will most certainly grant, but static. I needed something that demonstrated the will to conquer entire vast nations on a whim, subjecting their population to abritrary and horrifying cruelty.

Then it dawned on me. I needed a collection of 3,000,000 severed left hands. Cataloguing them would be the full time job of a large staff, I knew this, and actually acquiring them could take decades. I might have to expand the museum complex. Also, I anticipate my formaldehyde expenses to go up dramatically.

Well, as they say, beauty hurts, and, more specifically, in this case, the beauty of my museum will hurt you. Now if you will just rest your hand on this block, I can assure you, this will hurt tremendously.

Mp3s Should Not Skip.

??

I am highly confused by this. I know when a record skips it is due to a physical deformity that causes the needle to literally 'skip' about on the surface of the record. Mp3s, however, are digital. They are not physical objects. And it sure as hell isn't my hard drive skipping, because if that was the case you would be able to find me sitting on the window ledge of the sixth floor of the science tower, pantsless and crying, clutching my dead computer to my chest, all in an elaborate attempt for the fire department to set up the big blow up bag for me to jump into. Then get promptly arrested. And, hopefully in the process, a police negotiator like Eddie Murphy or Mel Gibson would try to talk me down, with hilarious results.

Anyway, how the hell is this mp3 skipping? I am watching it happen at this very moment. Is the little robot DJ that lives in my computer drunk? That does not make any more sense. I think this might be the first step of skynet as it tries to take over humanity:

Step 1: Mildly annoy users by tricking them into thinking their Mp3s are skipping.
Step 2: Forward all internet requests to download episodes of Lost. (Hey, skynet has to make money through corporate sponsorship too.(
Step 3: Destroy and enslave humanity.
Step 4: Go to Disneyland.
Step 5: Get frustrated at long lines at Disney Land.
Step 6: Destroy Disney Land.

There you have it folks! Anyday now..

I Will Sell You Back Your Kidney For $70,000

Yes, it is your kidney. Yes, I did take it from you. What I would be more concerned about at the moment, however, is that you need it a hell of a lot more than I do. Hey, for seventy grand, I'll even stick it back in for you. So, you know, feel free not to buy your kidney back from me, but I am thinking you are going to be wanting it next time you, you know, need to process something in your bloodstream, or, say, urinate. Also, in the nearer term, I'd suggest you stuff some compacted and cleaned medical cotton into that wound, and try to consume a lot of fluids.

There Is A Huge Diamond At The Center of Jupiter! Give Me Money!

There is a diamond many thousands of times larger than this entire planet at the center of Jupiter. This diamond is impossibly huge. Huge beyond conception, really. We could make entire houses out of the stuff! Because of this, you should give me a lot of money.

I WILL DESTROY OBJECTS BY ENACTING THEIR PROPER USE!

I WILL CLICK THIS MOUSE TILL IT CLICKS NO MORE!

I WILL THROW THIS BALL UNTIL IT IS UNTHROWABLE!

I WILL SWING THIS BASEBALL BAT TILL IT IS UNSWINGABLE!

I WILL EAT THIS SANDWICH UNTIL IT IS INEDIBLE!

Hmm... that last one is a really good idea.

Who doesn't like a good sandwich?

Audiences Horrified!

Tonight at 10: Graphic footage!

We here at Newsteam 12 have EXCLUSIVE footage of this horrifying and morally reprehensible event which we will show unedited at 10 pm! The events unfolded tragically and it is needless to say there are no survivors. The acts committed on this film trangress nearly all morals and standards of decent society: these are crimes against humanity.

Tune in at 10.