Monday, May 22, 2006

Warning! If You Are An Idiot, This Might Kill You!


Everything has a warning label on it these days. "Do not put plastic bag over head and asphyxiate yourself." "Do not pour hot coffee directly on genitals." "Do not drive vehicle at high velocity into stationary objects or moving objects." "Meant for external use only." "Meant for internal use only." "Meant to be used only on the third full moon of years ending in numbers divisible by 3 or are prime numbered, between the hours of 4 and 5 AM, or else you might inadvertently start the Apocalypse."

What I want to know is what things can't kill you. Perhaps single atoms? The concept 'puppies'? I mean, give me an object of any substantive mass and I am pretty sure I will be able to figure out a way to kill you with it. For instance: a single glass of water. If it is, indeed, served in a glass, I can smash it on your head, or feed you the glass. If it is the water itself I can freeze it and fire it at you at high velocity.

So I have a new warning label for water: "Warning, water not meant to be frozen and used as blunt force trauma weapon, nor is one to consume more than 1/6 their body weight in water at one sitting, nor is one to submerge head in water for more than 90 seconds, nor is one to introduce substances into water prior to consumption that are poisonous. Also, water flouridation is a Communist plot."

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