Whiskey Is Objectively the Best Drink There Is, But Because I Personally Assert It

My esteemed colleaugue / bitter enemy Theo has recently written up his 39 Theses On Liquor, and though I agree with his conclusions, I will still assert that he is wrong and I am right because, let us face it, that is just the way things go.

Gin has a long history before the Prohibition, but Theo is correct in asserting that its entire point is to mask the flavor of poor distilling processes. Granted, fine liquors such as Bombay Saphire and Tanqueray have gone a long way in bettering this process, but I argue that these are not true to the spirit of Gin, which is to curdle skin and turn stomachs. Gin is for those with something to prove.

Tequila is a fine liquor as well, but, again, its roots are in the mom and pop distilleries, and the main production line tequilas that are highly refined and we so revel in are, for the same reasons as Gin, not true to the spirit of Tequila.

In regard to Sambuca, Manischevitz, Grappa, and similiar Liquors... just.. damn. Damn. Are you freaking kidding me? I wish that these didn't even exist on the same planet as me, and would see no problem in waging international wars with the sole goal of the enaction of a Damnatio Memoriae on such 'spirits,' though to even call them spirits is to demean the very word.

Wine is too expensive. Period.

However, one cannot forget how good beer is. Beer is just great.

I love beer. And so do you. And if you say that you don't love beer, you are wrong. Categorically.