That's right folks, step right up and behold my fantastic fantabulous futuristic Elixyr! It will cure what ails you? Gout, no problem, three swigs of my special patented formula Elixyr will straighten out all your problems! Don't bother to change your diet! Heart attacks have been stopped by my Elixyr! Rub it on your head to re-grow hair! Forget viagra, simply soak yourself in the Elixyr for a four hour priapism! And ladies, don't be shy, it will increase your bust size and fertility! Rub it on your face to prevent the unsightly female mustache! Children, two bottles of Elixyr a day will make you grow up to be strong and masculine! Or gentle and ladylike! It does everything! That is right, positively everything! It cures avian flu and has also been known to remove unsightly bathtub ring! Scientists say that my Elixyr is the most amazing thing ever!
That's right! Scientists! They said it!
Oh come on, you are doubting me? Humanity has a long tradition of taking stupid bullshit because they are gullible idiots! Seriously! Soda water used to be marketed as a cure-all! People still inhale radon because they think it will cure arthritis! You people are idiots, so you should by my Elixyr too!
Hey wait, where is everyone going!?
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