Please, Steal My Beard Trimmer and Other Objects That Could Not Possibly Have Any Value to You Whatsoever

Like my nail clipper kit. Who the hell steals a nail clipper kit? I mean, seriously? My beard trimmer, my nail clipper kit, and my broken cel phone. Broken! Completely non functional! The only reason I had been keeping it was so that when I did get a new cel phone I could transfer the phone numbers over.

So, the story goes like this: we like to throw parties (refer to Andrew W.K.). I also like having many people come to these parties, so they can get their groove on, meet other new and groovy people, and, in general, get down with the funk. However, there is a phenomenon, and I hate to judge but I am going to anyway, of local residents of our campus town showing up to parties and stealing our shit. I genuinely do not understand what anyone would want with my beard trimmer. I understand when, on three non-consecutive occassions, an old friend's bike, her wallet, digital camera (twice), and laptop were stolen, or recently, when another friend's ipod was stolen. Or when our neighbor's laptop was stolen. This makes some sense to me. These are objects with resale value. A freaking beard trimmer? All it does is smell like my face and (poorly) trim beard hair. Also, does anyone else really want to use my old nail clippers? I mean, apparently so. But so did I.

The real kicker was when, one day, I returned home to my apartment, and, on the staircase leading up to my back porch, I saw two empty yellow cups. I knew immediately what had happened. Literally, someone had broken into my house and stolen my spare change. I wish that they had also stolen my homework, because that seems just as unlikely. I cannot imagine who would take them time to steal ~$25 in quarters. It just isn't practical! I was going to spend that money on beer!